Joanie asked if I’d play a song at her daughter Natasha’s baby-warming party.  That sounds weird.  It was actually a 3-month birthday, I think.

Anyway, I decided I shouldn’t just play any old song, I should write one for Natasha.  And now, for her second birthday, I finally got around to recording it.  

Recording music for kids is the best.  You can put whatever you want in there.  Banjo?  Sure!  Whistling?  Definitely!  Sasquatch growl?  Do you even have to ask?  I wanted to put a gong at the end, but Aric wasn’t around and I couldn’t figure out how to use his soft-synth-sampler-deluxe.  Maybe next time.  Until then, here’s “Natasha”:

Natasha – 2:54

Thanks to Renee for the whistling.  I’m a lousy whistler.

Natasha
by Evan Jacover

I don’t really know you but I’m pretty sure that you’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met.
And one day when you talk to me we’re gonna have a whole lot of fun I suspect.
Apples in a basket, apples in a pie
Apples in a tree, how did they get so high?
An apple hit me on the head and gave me a clue that I should sing a song to you.

And you’re the reason that the monkey does his monkey dance.
And you’re the reason that the cheetah learned to run so fast.
And if you ask the walrus why he grew his big moustache-a…
He’d say he grew it for Natasha.

My wish for you is that what makes you happiest is when you’re seeing other people smile.
‘Cause when you’re in a room I’ve got a feeling that they’re gonna be smiling for a while.
A pile of dirt and a whole lot of love.
An inchworm’s dancing with a ladybug.
They do the foxtrot, jitterbug and bugaloo too.  All they want to do is dance for you.

And no one knows why your daddy only bowls strikes and spares
Or why your mama wears stilts walking up and down the stairs
But if you ask your grandma why she made all those hamentashen…
She’d say she made them for Natasha.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

You may wonder why the Unicorn never shows her face
Or why the Loch Ness Monster stays hidden deep inside a lake.
And if you’re wondering why noone’s ever seen the Sasquatch-a…
It’s ’cause he’s waiting for Natasha.

I do take issue with one line, however: “Jack be limble Jack be quick/ Jack go under limbo stick.” The word “limbo” is used about 25 times per second. I think we get the point. The song is about the limbo. Was it really necessary to mutate “nimble” into “limble?” Bruce Willis doesn’t think so.

Meanwhile, it looks like David Hasselhoff was (at some point in his career) out to dislodge Chubby Checker’s monopoly on limbo accompaniment. Is there anything The Hoff can’t ruin?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggIKV-jKz_U

There’s something about them that just about everyone can relate to. I was in my car yesterday and heard the Tom Petty song “You Don’t Know How It Feels” and was all, “Yeah, you said it, Tom.” And I don’t even smoke pot.

I think it’s possible that half of all songs are about breakups. So I’m going to do a scientific experiment here: I put iTunes on shuffle and will list the next 25 songs that come up. The ones in red I’ve categorized as breakup songs. Before I get to the list, some ground rules:

1. Don’t judge my crappy taste in music. This is for science!
2. I have a couple Lucinda Williams albums in there and that might throw off the sample set since I’m pretty sure all of her songs are about a guy what done her wrong.
3. I was going to count songs about jilted romance as well, but after receiving this argument from resident music expert Kurt Hirsch, I changed my tune: “I think at least a semblance of a relationship is necessary in order for a song to be a ‘breakup song.’ I understand your ‘turned down’ = ‘break up’ hypothesis, but, at first blush, I do not think I can subscribe to it. It is a slippery slope, my friend.” So to be considered a break up song, there must be evidence of an actual relationship.
4. I’m skipping instrumentals, sound effects, anything under 30 seconds long, podcasts, jazz, classical music, Andrew Bird songs and other misc. crap in my iTunes library. I’m also skipping my songs if they happen to come up.

Here are the results:

1 “Old Girlfriends” – John Wesley Harding: I swear I didn’t rig this. The title speaks for itself. Not really about a breakup, but come on!

2 “Shelter From The Storm” – Bob Dylan: Too bad Tangled Up in Blue didn’t come up, but I’d say Blood On The Tracks is a breakup album. I’m leaning toward the “yes” column, but I need a second opinion, so here’s what resident Bob Dylan expert Kurt Hirsch has to say (he’s all kinds of experts): “That is one of the most difficult questions I have ever been asked. In my whole life… Were I asked ‘What kind of song is “Shelter From The Storm”?’ — I would not reply, ‘It’s a breakup song.” However, if one assumes that there are two types of songs in the world — breakup songs and songs that aren’t breakup songs — than it is a breakup song.” There you go. Sweet validation.

3 “Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots, Pt. 1″ – Flaming Lips: Not really any way to twist this one into a breakup song.

4 “Night Accident” – Robbie Fulks: This story might have had a breakup in its future, what with the cheating and lying and all, but the Burlington Northern took care of that. So, no.

5. “Hello” – Lionel Richie: This is the song that sparked rule #3. It’s unclear that there was an actual relationship there, which is too bad since it has all the hallmarks of a breakup song: yearning, whining, and a classical guitar solo. From Kurt: “The more interesting question is… how did Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ end up on your iTunes?” My response: please see rule #1.

6 “I Am A Grocery Bag” – They Might Be Giants: I almost disqualified this song for being only 34 seconds long, but it made it in 4 seconds over the 30 second cut off.

7 “Carrie Brown” – Steve Earl & The Del McCoury Band: Kurt and I disagreed over this one, but I have to admit that there was no actual relationship and, thus, no actual breakup. “Ultimately, if you include the ilk of ‘Carrie Brown’ (or ‘Hello’ for that matter)… you are making more of a ‘heartbreak’ list than a ‘break up’ list.” Tru dat. Either way, this song does have one of my all-time favorite folk lyrics: “I shot him in Virginia and he died in Tennessee.”

8 “Delirious Love” – Neil Diamond: Definitely not a break up song. Rather the opposite, actually. But that relationship’s gonna end in tears, you can just tell. It’s like they’re not thinking straight or something.

9 “9 Mili Bros” – Ghostface Killah: Nope. They got females.

10 “Champagne Supernova” – Oasis: I don’t know what the hell’s going on in this song, but I’m pretty sure they’re not breaking up.

11 “The Boy With The Arab Strap” – Belle And Sebastian: I sure am a sucker for a song with hand claps in it, but that’s a subject for another post. Are there any good breakup songs with hand claps? “There Goes My Baby?” I hope that comes on.

12 “Maybe” – Janice Joplin: Finally! Thank you, Janice! As good as it gets.

13 “Poor Little Critter In The Road” – The Knitters: Just a drinking song. Closest it gets is “something about some romancing…”

14 “I Want To Break Free” – Queen: I don’t think this one is entirely clear. On one hand, “I’ve fallen in love…” On the other, “But life still goes on. I can’t get used to living without (living without living without) you by my side.” But when it comes down to it, he wants to break free. So this is a break up song. Even Kurt agrees. Got a problem with that? Comment away.

15 “Daddy’s Little Pumpkin” – John Prine: I don’t think these two break up until the next album.

16 “Cecilia” – Simon & Garfunkle: Hot damn! This is even more of a breakup song than “Maybe.”

17 “Here I Go Again On My Own” – Whitesnake: I’m on a roll. I may get to 50% yet. This was one of our softball songs. We made a CD of songs to play when our players went up to bat. You know, to hype up the crowd.

18 “Fifty Miles of Elbow Room” – Iris DeMent: Thanks for nothing, DeMent. Aw, I can’t stay made at you Iris! Go ahead and sing your song about the country or dying or whatever. You’re adorable!

19 “Tangled Up In Blue” – Bob Dylan: Ha! What are the odds?

20 “Ooh La La” – Rod Stewart: I wish this song would end so I didn’t have to look at Rod Stewart’s mug on the album cover. Thanks for that feature, iTunes.

21 “Nobody Knows” – Fooled By April: This is my friend’s band that no longer exists. Luckily I can go to the source on this one. From Gordon Wright: “‘Nobody Knows’ was not intended as a break-up song. Although, I could see how someone might see this girl who’s so alone as having just suffered a break-up, but since that thought never occurred to me in writing it, I think it’s safe to say it’s not. So there.” Crap.

22 “Each Night I Try” – Robbie Fulks: I knew Fulks wouldn’t let me down twice.

23 “You Baby” – Lovin’ Spoonful: As far from a breakup song as anyone could possibly get.

24 “Drift Away” – Dobie Gray: I like your song too, Dobie. Now break up with her!

25 “Lorelle” – Divebar: Hey, it’s my brother’s band. I was pretty sure this was a breakup song, but spoke to Matt Loss, the author, who explained that “it’s more of a never had song.” It seems like there are quite a few of those never-had songs. Anyway, you can listen to it on their MySpace page and decide for yourself.

The next song, in case anyone is wondering, was “I Love My Dog” by Cat Stevens. Thank goodness that didn’t make it into the sample set.

So, 8 out of 25. That’s 32%. Not quite 50%, but not too far off, especially considering the margin for error is, oh, about 100%. Anyone else want to give this a try? I’d like to see your results. Want to question my interpretation of these songs? Lord knows I’m making it up as I go along.

Also, no Lucinda Williams after all! What a rip! I skipped ahead until a Lucinda Williams song came up. It was “I Lost It.” Yup, breakup song.